Surveys Are Sometimes Fun

I had to edit out the bad questions that didn’t make any sense… and boy there were a lot of them

What's your name? Ashley, what’s yours?
Do you like your name?No, no I don’t.
How old are you? 16
If you could choose to be one age forever, what age would it be? I don’t wanna get stuck in time…
Do you like your parents? Not my mother…
Do you wish you could trade them in for a new pair? Just the one, usually.
Do you like boys? Oh, usually, but sometimes boys are icky.
Do you like girls? Not in that way, mister.
o you like cows? I used to have a cow calendar! And I have two framed pictures in my room of cows. Yellow frames, mind you.
Have you ever gone cow tipping? Not to my recollection.
Have you ever milked a cow? Tried once
Do you want to? Is this like a fetish?
Have you ever seen a two toed sloth? I don’t think so.
Have you ever seen one trying to mate? No, I’m pretty sure I haven’t.
Do people suck, or are they ok? On the most part, they’re pretty cool.
Are you an alien? No.
Do you believe in aliens? One mowed my lawn yesterday. Mexicans… Dad says the reason my house isn’t bricked yet is because they all went back to Mexico for the holidays.
What is a gramatere? Microsoft Word says that isn’t even a word…
Do you think I just made that word up? Oohh! Yes, I do!
Do you like animals? Yup, yup, yup
Would you sit in a kiddie pool full of green jello and whipped cream just for fun? Does jello stain my bathing suit?
If someone paid you 500 bucks, would you run through the mall naked? Are there people in the mall?
Do you have any really annoying younger siblings? no
Do people always say they're cute? no
Don't you hate that? I hate that you keep talking about the younger siblings that I don’t have
What did you eat for dinner? Popcorn, doofus.
Did you have dessert after? Nick
Would you drink a carrot, pickle, milk, salt and pepper, mayo, whipped cream, jello slushee? I love salt.
What if someone paid you 100 bucks to take a couple sips?100 bucks would buy a lot of crayons.
Do you think that society is just a bunch of phonies, and is totally hypocritical, and backwards, and just plain annoying? I’m part of society, and so are all of my friends, so I think I’d better watch what I say.
What did you do today? lunch, shopping, movie with popcorn
What are you doing tomorrow? Probably the same, just like every other day this week…
What would you say to Bill Clinton if you met him on the streets? Hey, look it’s Bill Clinton ::points::
If you could, would you live in space? I love space.
What do you think this world will be like in the year 2025? Not a whole lot different.
hat about 2050? A little different
Will you be dead by 2050? No, everyone knows I’m too cool to die.
What about your friends? Someone will get hit by a car by then, I’m sure. But if any of you overdose, I’m gonna be pretty pissed.
Would you live to the age 253 if you could? Nah, I’ll let someone else be cool Ashley
Do you like earth, or do you wish you could live on another planet? My own planet would be cool. Only cool people allowed.
Do you like nail polish? It’s pretty
What about nail polish remover? It smells bad
What's your mom's name? Kelly
Do you know her maiden name? Yup

Dwindling Thoughts

I want to try a new thing, and I think we all should give it a whirl. Let's say your mom says your curfew is 11, but on Friday night, you make it home by 10:50. Well, I am here to suggest rollover minutes. That's right, the new marketing scheme from Cingular gave me a bright idea! I think your curfew for Saturday should be pushed back till 11:10! And then, if you're smart and always think about the future, you could save up hours and hours, and stay out all night! And your parents couldn't get mad at you because hey, you've earned it!

Update #3

Kicks lose 8-3 at Harrisburg.

Record total of 37 penalty minutes served by the Sidekicks, 21 of those in the third quarter.
Doyle ejected and not permitted to play in the next game for misconduct protesting these penalties.
Sagu holds the all-time Sidekicks record of 12 assists by a goalkeeper.
Sutton holds the all-time league record of 2 shorthanded goals.
The Sidekicks tied the team record of 4shorthanded goals in a season.
Tatu scored the 850th goal of his career.

They lose a lot.

Dad

My dad's a pretty cool guy. He tells funny jokes and has funny ideas. He is convinced that I'm going to help him through a Happy Fiscal New Year's Party in March for his office's fiscal new year. He's going to invite 100 people he says, and they're all going to have hats and noise makers and he's going to tape the ball dropping in Jan (on our new Tivo, he says) and at 11 o clock, which is the head office's midnight, he's going to show the video and everyone will make noise and he actually thinks a bunch of old people call that fun. Only my dad could be that weird.

I don't know if anyone remembers that ooollldddd show on Nickelodeon, about Pete and Pete. In fact, I think it was called Pete and Pete. There were these two red-headed brothers, Pete and Pete and they were friends with that girl from Harriet the Spy. There was also this guy, Artie or Arnie, I don't remember anymore. But he always said, "I'm Artie (or Arnie)! The strongest man.... in the world!" in this horrible trying-to-be-macho voice. And my dad said that too. Not just when I was watching Pete and Pete, but ANY time he found me watching tv. He just might be the reason I don't watch tv...

When I was even younger, when I had a bedtime, my dad dressed up like stuff to put us to bed. First it was the robot. Well, maybe he didn't dress up like anything when he was the robot, but he walked funny, you know, like that dance my dad always thought he was good at, and he talked funny. "Ash… ley... must... now... go... to... bed," monotone and everything and we would try to fight him, but everyone knows robots are stronger than me and my brother. Then the ninja. He would tie his bright red tie around his forehead, tie his robe around him, and start screaming in made-up ninja language. It scared me, it really did. But not Brent, and we always tried to fight back.

What else can I add? He doesn’t know any of my friends’ names. He knows them by things they do. Ross: the cotton candy kid. Reagan: half-Jewish. Becky: the judges’ daughter. And he doesn’t know the cats’ names. He knows Black Cat, White Cat, Grey Cat. Or he knows Mom’s Cat, Ashley’s Cat, Orphan Cat (his cruel idea of a joke). He also doesn’t know his kid’s names. I’m daughter; Brent is son.

So anyway, my dad is weird. I don't really know when he started being weird, or how he wound up being a boring accountant, but he’s a funny guy. He also thinks he’s writing a book. It’s either called Decent or Ascent. I can’t remember; he named it one but then switched it. But really I think he just wants to. Maybe I should write a book for him, get it published, and give it to him for his birthday, which by the way guys, is in April, so everyone get him a present.

So to recap, funny dad plans parties, pretends to be Artie (or Arnie), a robot, a ninja, doesn’t know friends’ or cats’ or children’s names, is a boring accountant, thinks he’s writing a book, has a birthday in April, and expects presents.

Update #2

SAGU EARNS 2nd CONSECUTIVE MISL DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE WEEK

woo sagu!

Merry Christmas

Happy Christmas day guys! And happy no school!

Update

Sidekicks win 13-8 at Kansas City!

Catch phrases

Why do catch phrases go out of style? In 10 years no one will be using "like" as every other word. And 10 years ago nobody said that. In the 50's people said stuff like "gee wiz." When was the cut off? Did someone just wake up one day and say "I don't really like 'gee wiz' anymore, so let's not say it!" and everyone quit?

And then there are the words like "butt head" and "doofus" that you just grow out of. But again, it's not like one day in the summer between 3rd and 4th grades you decided you were too old to be calling people butt heads so from that point on you would use a different word... No 4th grader has that kind of control! Most high schoolers couldn't stop saying like if they got paid...

I have a theory though, don't you worry! I think that maybe instead of it being a sudden thing, people hear something else that they like better, and start saying that. I think a long time ago people used to say "swell" but then they heard someone say "cool" and they thought it was a good word, so they started using cool instead.

And then there are the people who say words just to be funny. Funny people call things nifty, but no one says "Wow, you're nifty!" That's also a good example of how words change from having all-around uses to just being applicable to objects. You can't call a person nifty, but that backpack over there can be.

I also have a problem with people saying "say cheese!" when it's time to take a picture. I don't like cheese. It doesn't make me smile. I smile because I'm beautiful, not because I was just suddenly reminded of cheese. Where did that phrase come from? I like it in history when Griff takes breaks from lecturing to tell us the history of a particular phrase. Or even just to tell a good story. He's a good story teller. but sometimes he tells us about where words or phrases come from and it's actually really interesting!

Another theory I have is that there is a guy in a cave somewhere. He has no idea what is going on, but he has a typewriter and a tube like at the bank that sucks up your checks and gives you cash and he types words he likes into the typewriter and ships them off to the people who read them and start saying them, getting them out into the open. These people are called the "cool people." People listen to them and since they want to be cool, they copy them. That's how these weird phrases really start!

And don't even get me started on languages. How did someone sit down and make up all these words and then explain to people, without using words, what the words meant? Someone invented words, and that baffles me. I'd like to meet him, and ask him to make up some more. And ask whoever invented spelling to explain some things to me. For instance, silent e's. Really, why do we need those. And the letter 'c'? Totally unimportant! Same with 'x'! And why words spelled different mean the same thing or words spelled the same mean different things!

I think it's time for me to go watch an old movie with old language so I can laugh at the way old people talk.

P.S.People say something is dead as a doornail, but what in the world is a doornail?!

Deer

I hate it when he calls me dear. I'm not stupid, sir. James told me I should wear deer antlers to my next lesson. If I had some I would.

Also, I like the Christmas song "The 12 Pains of Christmas." Oh and in regards to my caroling entry, I had a chance to go caroling, but I threw it out the window, as we say in German class. Woosh.

SIDEKICKS WIN 17-10 OVER BALTIMORE AND 13-4 OVER CLEAVELAND!

Beatles and ADD

Still not the bugs, stupid. No, I just thought I'd explain the last entry. See, today, 2 pages into my history reading about farmers and cattle and stuff, I realized I wanted to hear a Beatles song. I couldn't think of any particular one, I just had a craving. So I went to kazaa and downloaded about 15. I had to make sure I got a good! The I started listening to them, but since I didn't know any of the words, I kinda forgot I was listening to them and started making my tape. I think I have ADD. And then I realized that you could hear the Beatles on my tape. I almost left it. What if Mason's a Beatles fan? He would be like "wow you like the Beatles?" Then we would just have a chat instead of a lesson and the world would be a great place. Then I thought what if he HATES the Beatles? And instead of a nice conversation, he just yelled at me! So I started my tape over, Beatle-less.

Umm, back to the entry. After I did a little bit on my tape, I went and read a few more history pages. Then I got wrapping paper for Becky's present. Then I played Clue online. Then Aubrey called. Then I wrapped Becky's present. Then I made the rest of my tape, then I finished history, and THEN I went to www.lyricsdomain.com. That was just supposed to prove my ADD point. OK and I went ot lyrics domain because I didn't know any of the Beatles songs and I wanted to know the lyrics so I could sing along. And when I found some lyrics I liked, I downloaded that song too. Now I have about 20 songs. One's a ballad about John and Yoko. I like it.

And then I found this one in German (see below). I could understand it and it made me so proud, I thought I would blow up! So instead of exploding and getting blood on the walls (bloddy walls don't sell a house, Dad always said) I had to post and spread the joy. But since I have ADD I didn't get a chance to really tell why I posted. Only now I have. But I'm not really done talking.

Today at church practice the trumpets especially sucked (without me, what can you expect?) and Jerimiah, the director, and a french horn player, told them how to finger some note, and then he turned to us french horns and said "See horns, I'm so smart I can even tell the trumpets how to finger their own notes" and I said "I can do that too!" And everyone laughed. Except he didn't at first, probably because he doesn't get it. Everyone else knows because they're in high school or I told them. But then he laughed just because everyone else laughed. Some day I'll quit and I'll tell him. Or maybe I'll write him a Christmas card.

Oh wow. I just had an epiphany. The REAL reason I wanted to find Beatles songs was because I was talking to Nick's away message today. And I made him a poem. And the last line was I WANNA HOLD YOUR HHHAAAANNNNNDDDD. So that is so obviously a Beatles song. Thus, the whole history book thing was a lie. Thus the whole entire ADD thing was a lie. Wow. Liars burn in Hell, Ashley.

Beatles

Not the bugs, stupid. This is the beatles song, I Want to Hold your Hand, except its in German. But since I know German, I'm here to tell you that indeed, it is the same song. See, "gib mir deine Hand" means "give me your hand." The Beatles were multi-lingual!!


Oh, komm, doch. Komm zu mir.
Du nimmst mir den Verstand.
Oh, komm, doch. Komm zu mir.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.

Oh, du bist so schöen.
Schöen wie ein Diamant.
Ich will mit dir gehen.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.

In deinen Armen bin ich glücklich und froh.
Das war noch nie bei einer anderen
Einmal so.
Einmal so.
Einmal so.

Oh, komm, doch. Komm zu mir.
Du nimmst mir den Verstand.
Oh, komm, doch. Komm zu mir.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.

In deinen Armen bin ich glücklich und froh.
Das war noch nie bei einer anderen
Einmal so.
Einmal so.
Einmal so.

Oh, du bist so schöen.
Schöen wie ein Diamant.
Ich will mit dir gehen.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Hand.
Komm, gib mir deine Ha-a-a-a-a-a-and.

Joke again

For the record, guys, I don't think this joke is all that funny. I just added it because the ending is what I've always dreamed of saying to Mason, and I thought somehow, posting it would give me the strength. Maybe I'll go eat a power bar instead.


An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all
sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose
troops are more brave. The Admiral (well into his second or
third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in
the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he
reaches for the phone.

Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one
promptly calls for his best soldier.

When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states
"Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he
says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10
miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and
return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned
running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into
the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while
beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far
cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the
two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean
birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again
fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then
runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says "that was nothing",and turning to the
Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff,
swim across those waters, climb that other cliff,then move across
the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the
mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the
cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving
through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back
(all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and
mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him
the eggs.

The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but heres true
bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman),
he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up
the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the
mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other
side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again
back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a
proper hand salute and walks away.

The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on
the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY...."

JOKES

Where do one-legged people eat?


IHOP!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


What did one duck say to the other?
What?

"Social Security!"

I don't get it.

You won't till you're 65...




hahahahahahaha Ashley Rocks!

PUN

Far away in an isolated mountain range there was a small village, and the inhabitants of this village called themselves Trids. Their village was situated in a small valley and every day the Trids would walk up to a high pass and down into the next valley, where they had a gold mine.




The Trids used the gold from this mine to buy food, clothing, timber for their houses, and everything else they needed. However, atop one of the peaks overlooking the pass there lived a dragon. One day the dragon decided that he had simply had enough - the Trids were making too much noise with their twice-a-day marches through the pass, and the mine operations were noisy as well.




So after the sunset, the dragon took wing and descended through the night sky to land at the top of the pass. The next morning, the Trid workers marched up to the top of the pass and saw the large, unfriendly looking dragon waiting for them. The dragon did nothing. So the Trids shrugged and started to walk through the pass. But as each Trid reached the top of the pass, the dragon kicked him or her down the mountain all the way back to the village.




No mining was done that day. Instead, the Trids held a village meeting to discuss what to do about the dragon. They decided to send a group of the largest, strongest Trids to force their way past the dragon. But it didn't work. The dragon kicked them down the mountain.




They sent delegations to try to persuade the dragon to let them pass, to no avail. The Trids could no longer work their mine, so they ran out of gold to pay for their food, clothing, and other necessities.




Time passed. Things were going very bad for the Trids when a wandering rabbi came into the village. He saw the starving Trid children dressed in rags, the houses falling into disrepair, and asked what had happened to the village. The Trids told him about the dragon. The rabbi resolved to do something about this dragon.




He marched up to the pass, and saw the dragon looking very large and unfriendly. The rabbi plucked up his courage and asked, "Mr. Dragon, why are you stopping the Trids from working their mine?"




The dragon replied, "Because it's too noisy, and I can't sleep."




"But Mr. Dragon, the Trid children are starving and freezing. If you don't let them work their mine, they will die."




"That's the idea," said the dragon. "Then I'll be able to get some sleep."




The rabbi saw that the dragon wasn't going to respond to reason. So he decided to force his way past the dragon. "I'll probably get kicked down the mountain like the Trids," the rabbi thought to himself, but he braced himself and started marching forward. As he got closer to the dragon, the rabbi closed his eyes, so he wouldn't have to see that huge dragon foot coming toward him.




The next thing the rabbi knew, he was walking downhill. He opened his eyes and looked around. He was through the pass! The rabbi looked back at the dragon, who was looking curiously at him.




"Mr. Dragon!" said the rabbi. "Why didn't you kick me down the mountain?"




The dragon replied, "Silly rabbi. Kicks are for Trids."

Fish and Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a
monastery and requests shelter there.

Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was
treated to the best fish and chips she had ever
tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the
chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael,
and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I
just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The
fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of
curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."


She turned to the other Brother and says
"then you must be....?"


(scroll down, but be ready for this one)


















"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

How to be a pre-schooler

1. If you can pick it up, it must be eaten or thrown.


2. If somebody tells you to do something, do the opposite.


3. Answer no to anything asked of you.


4. If it can be knocked over, knock it over.


5. Cats like to have their tails pulled and girls like to have their hair pulled.


6. Anybody of the opposite sex has cooties.


7. Sand works very well as shampoo.


8. As often as possible, take off your clothes or curse when in public.


9. If you see mommy kissing daddy's weenie, it is necessary to tell the whole world.


10. If somebody is fat, ask them how they got that way.


11. They don't really want you to go in the toilet.


12. Mud on white carpet is pretty.

Christmas Carols

I want to go caroling. I want to. Take me. It'll be fun. I'll bring candy.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow but the children
know how he came to life one day
There must have been some magic in that
old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
he began to dance around
O
Frosty the snowman
was alive as he could be
And the children say he could laugh
and play just the same as you and me
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow

Frosty the snowman knew
the sun was hot that day
So he said
"Let's run and
we'll have some fun
now before I melt away
" Down to the village
with a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
around the square saying
Catch me if you can
He led them down the streets of town
right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
he heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye saying
"Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day
" Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow