Dad

My dad's a pretty cool guy. He tells funny jokes and has funny ideas. He is convinced that I'm going to help him through a Happy Fiscal New Year's Party in March for his office's fiscal new year. He's going to invite 100 people he says, and they're all going to have hats and noise makers and he's going to tape the ball dropping in Jan (on our new Tivo, he says) and at 11 o clock, which is the head office's midnight, he's going to show the video and everyone will make noise and he actually thinks a bunch of old people call that fun. Only my dad could be that weird.

I don't know if anyone remembers that ooollldddd show on Nickelodeon, about Pete and Pete. In fact, I think it was called Pete and Pete. There were these two red-headed brothers, Pete and Pete and they were friends with that girl from Harriet the Spy. There was also this guy, Artie or Arnie, I don't remember anymore. But he always said, "I'm Artie (or Arnie)! The strongest man.... in the world!" in this horrible trying-to-be-macho voice. And my dad said that too. Not just when I was watching Pete and Pete, but ANY time he found me watching tv. He just might be the reason I don't watch tv...

When I was even younger, when I had a bedtime, my dad dressed up like stuff to put us to bed. First it was the robot. Well, maybe he didn't dress up like anything when he was the robot, but he walked funny, you know, like that dance my dad always thought he was good at, and he talked funny. "Ash… ley... must... now... go... to... bed," monotone and everything and we would try to fight him, but everyone knows robots are stronger than me and my brother. Then the ninja. He would tie his bright red tie around his forehead, tie his robe around him, and start screaming in made-up ninja language. It scared me, it really did. But not Brent, and we always tried to fight back.

What else can I add? He doesn’t know any of my friends’ names. He knows them by things they do. Ross: the cotton candy kid. Reagan: half-Jewish. Becky: the judges’ daughter. And he doesn’t know the cats’ names. He knows Black Cat, White Cat, Grey Cat. Or he knows Mom’s Cat, Ashley’s Cat, Orphan Cat (his cruel idea of a joke). He also doesn’t know his kid’s names. I’m daughter; Brent is son.

So anyway, my dad is weird. I don't really know when he started being weird, or how he wound up being a boring accountant, but he’s a funny guy. He also thinks he’s writing a book. It’s either called Decent or Ascent. I can’t remember; he named it one but then switched it. But really I think he just wants to. Maybe I should write a book for him, get it published, and give it to him for his birthday, which by the way guys, is in April, so everyone get him a present.

So to recap, funny dad plans parties, pretends to be Artie (or Arnie), a robot, a ninja, doesn’t know friends’ or cats’ or children’s names, is a boring accountant, thinks he’s writing a book, has a birthday in April, and expects presents.