When I cry, I hide in my closet. The last time I hid there was a little after all state try outs when I didn't make it and my mom screamed at me. For forever. It was terrible. So I went and hid in the corner of my closet with the lights off and made a fortress with a bunch of pillows and stuffed animals and I was safe.

We haven't really gotten along much since then. Sometimes it's my fault, but I think most of the time it's hers. Maybe I only think that because I'm me and she's her and who likes to blame themself. But important things always manage to get ruined.

Sometimes we go without speaking for days, maybe a week or two at a time. People always think I'm exaggerating. Anderson, for instance, tells me to ask my mom things, and I tell him I can't beause we don't speak. He always says "yeah right" but he doesn't know. She yells a lot, but I haven't returned to the closet since all state until tonight. Tonight was terrible. Like, I can't even begin to describe. But I will anyway because I'm upset and I need to get it out.

I wanted to wear my black skirt. My pretty one. But she made me go and change into the blue one, the dress that I JUST wore less than a week ago. So I complained, but she wouldn't let me into the car. So I changed. Then we went, and she picked her seat or whatever, but then she complained, because she couldn't see the entire time. I guess that was my fault? And I didn't put enough thought into my senior will. And I didn't let her take enough pictures. There were no more people to take pictures with! All the people I said I wanted to take a picture with she said no! Then she wanted to leave, but I wasn't done talking to everyone... There were so many people I hadn't even seen yet! Like Scott and Amy Brogniez and a bunch of others! But SHE felt like leaving so I only even had a chance to say goodbye to Nick, not even Stephanie or Diana. Dad said we should leave too. He says "it's better for her to yell in the car or at home than here, Ashley." Then, in the car on the way home, she got mad at me for ruining HER SENIOR BANQUET. Excuse me, but if I cussed, this is the place where I would do it. What the heck is she talking about her senior banquet and how the heck did I ruin it?!? That made me so mad. Her senior banquet. And I ruined it. Well, I am so sorry I did exactly what she said, wore the dress she told me to, sat where she told me to, left when she told me to, took pictures with the people she told me to. That totally sucks that I ruined her banquet and I feel so bad for her.

Basically, between Aubrey and Mom, I'm just sick of people hating me. If I hated someone, I think I would get tired of yelling at them and being mean to them. I think I would at first probably, becuase when you hate people you have a lot of emotion to express, but I think after that I would just... not be nice, but not be so... enthusiastic in my hatred. Or maybe I'd try to throw a little distance in there. Yeah. If you hate me, just stay away from me! That way, if I do something totally hateable, you won't be there to witness it, and it won't make you hate me more. Good.